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Revelation 6
The Lamb tore open the first of the seven seals. The eye creatures screamed, "Come forward!" At first I thought they were talking to me, so I started to get up, but, no. They were talking to Ghandi, who rode in on a white horse. He was given a golden crown by the great angel, who sent him forth to conquer a portion of humanity using the principles of nonviolence. The Lamb tore open the second seal, and the creatures screamed, "Come forward!" Knowing this time they weren't talking to me, I watched as Osama bin Laden rode in on a red horse. He was given a golden crown by the great angel, who sent him forth to destroy peace and cause humanity to war upon itself. The Lamb tore open the third seal, and the creatures screamed, "Come forward!" I watched as Al Gore rode in on a black horse. He was given a golden crown by the great angel, who sent him forth to prophesy famine, drought, peak oil, and terrible storms. The Lamb tore open the fourth seal, and the creatures screamed, "Come forward!" I watched as Death rode in on a pale green horse. He didn't need a crown. He was sent forth to kill one quarter of humanity, by any means necessary. As the Lamb tore open the fifth seal, all the martyrs for Christ appeared, demanding vengeance upon their murderers. As the Lamb tore open the sixth seal, I watched a shower of great meteors strike Earth, turning the sky black and shaking the entire planet. All of Earth's rich and powerful headed for their secret bomb shelters and engaged their government continuity protocols. I guess I was lucky to be in Heaven after all.
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