"It's amazing how much 'mature wisdom' resembles being too tired." --Robert Heinlein

The Church of Reality




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This is Magger Frane's 'blog.


Accepting Monogamy: (a) or (b)

Well, I've written a lot, especially in my LiveJournal, about what I see as the irrational desire for monogamy among many gay males.

Although the occasional reader might think, "Hmmm, that's interesting," or "Yeah, that's how I feel!" I doubt that my writings or arguments change any minds. I think that many people prefer monogamy for reasons related to their spiritual upbringing or their emotional intolerance of jealousy. Talking about it doesn't really change things. They know what they want and they see me as the strange one who is unable to commit.

So ... I have two choices: (a) I can give in to the majority rule and accept (serial) monogamy as my own desired lifestyle, or (b) I can stick with my own analysis that strict monogamy is silly and accept that most people will not want to even try dating me.


Haven't I already made my choice? Long ago? Am I regretting this choice? Am I really wishing for a new standard-monogamy relationship? Why? Because I don't like rejection? Because I'm tired of living alone? Because I think it would be easier to find than an open (at some level) primary relationship?

I know that, in general, I was happy being in open relationships, despite the additional risks and problems. I think that such additional risks and problems can be addressed by couples who have relationship experience and communication skills.

I just feel like sometimes I make this all too difficult for myself. Why not find a nice cute boy and settle down and live together and all that stuff? I could do that. For some reason I refuse to pluck the low-hanging fruit, instead I make life more difficult for myself because I think the dominant ethos is irrational.


No ... I'm allowing the dreams of others to infect my memetic space, rather than accepting what is right and best for me. I just don't think I'd be happy in monogamy land. It feels like one of those compatibility issues that must be dealt with in the beginning. Like telling somebody you have HIV or Herpes or some other incurable and contagious disease. Not that non-monogamy is a disease, but it is an important deviation from the mainstream, so it should be identified for the potential mate as soon as possible. If he's truly got no interest in either of us ever having sex with anybody else, he's just not for me. And I have to accept that, and stop feeling defensive or rejected about it.

I happen to know what I want, and I'm not afraid to tell people about it. That is a strength, not a weakness, and whichever relationships I have, they will be stronger and more diverse as a result.

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