"It's amazing how much 'mature wisdom' resembles being too tired." --Robert Heinlein

The Church of Reality




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Unpacking the role of "the boyfriend"

For whatever constellation of reasons or non-reasons (chocolate consumption?), I've been extra happy the past few days. I've also once again realized how the absence of a "boyfriend" in my life has not been a problem, at all, for months. I'm also well beyond grieving my last crush (from last summer) and my last long-term primary relationship (which ended during spring 2002).

A significant factor in my ability to cope without a "significant other" is the strength of my Buddhist practice. I don't spend much time fantasizing about a desired future, or ways to change my life for the supposed better. Another significant factor in my enjoyment of the single life is my ability to have wild and awesome sex all by myself -- making masturbation into my own personal art form :o) Another significant factor is the strength of my support group -- wonderful siblings and friends who care a lot about me. Another significant factor is my ability to get some of these friends to snuggle with me (or even occasionally to have sex with me) on an irregular basis.

Heh, I've unpacked the role of "the boyfriend" ... all that stuff that most people look to their "one and only" for, I look to myself, my family, and my friends to supply.


Especially for us gay men, I don't think it makes sense to reflexively limit ourselves to the "one and only" game. Despite our idealistic notions of equality with straight people, there are rational reasons for gay men to have different kinds of models for their relationships than straight people have. Two men aren't likely to spontaneously produce offspring, so long-term relationship stability is not as important for gay men as it is for straight couples. Men are genetically programmed to spread their seed widely, so sex and intimacy don't have to intersect within a monogamous couple in order for gay men to meet their human needs and desires.

I know that anti-homos like to pick on gay men for being promiscuous, as though straight men weren't, but I don't care what they think. They aren't living my life. I am.

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