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Matthew 27
Judas took his $350, bought some party drugs, and went clubbing at the best underground rave in Jerusalem. He died of an overdose shortly before sunrise. Police later ruled it a suicide. ----- The next morning was the day of the Passover Feast. It was traditional upon this day for the Governor to show the mercy of the Roman Alliance by releasing a prisoner chosen by the crowd. Having two famous criminals on hand, the Governor offered the crowd a choice between Jesus and Whitney Houston. The crowd chanted, "Whitney! Whitney! Whitney! Whitney!" The Governor was surprised, "But what shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called the Christ?" They all answered, "Crucify him!" "Why? What crime has he committed?" asked the Governor. But they shouted all the louder, "Crucify him!" So, Governor Pilate released Whitney to a joyous crowd. He then ordered Jesus to be whipped and crucified. Jesus waived all his appeals, and the sentence was carried out immediately. ----- The Governor's soldiers mocked Jesus, stripping him, whipping him mercilessly, and then forcing him to wear a crown of thorns as he carried his own cross up the hill. After nailing him to the cross, they placed a sign above his head reading, "King of the Jews", and mocked him for his inability to save himself. ----- Jesus hung on the cross for nine hours, until sunset, enduring the pain and taunting in silence. But after nine hours he broke down and started crying for his Father, "Why have you abandoned me?" Then he died. At the moment of his death, Jerusalem was rocked by a mighty earthquake. Tombs all around the city broke open, and all their dead came back to life. Except for Jesus, who remained dead on the cross. ----- A wealthy businessman bribed some of the soldiers to be given Jesus' body. He and a couple of Jesus' female friends (the male Disciples had all fled for their lives) cleaned and buried the body. The Temple posted guards outside Jesus' tomb to make sure nobody came along to steal the body, so there could be no question regarding whether Jesus was indeed dead.
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