"It's amazing how much 'mature wisdom' resembles being too tired." --Robert Heinlein

The Church of Reality




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Insights from Lost & Found

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Advice on dating multiple people

Don't call it dating. Don't call them boyfriends. Don't treat any single fella as your primary source of [whatever].

Words should not precede reality. That's the major problem with dating (multiples or not), even more of a problem with searching for a boyfriend. If either person is wondering, "is this a date?" then it isn't. If either person is wondering, "are we boyfriends?" then you aren't.

If you don't have a boyfriend, then you don't have a boyfriend. Searching for one won't help. A person is not your boyfriend until he is your boyfriend. When is he your boyfriend? If you have to ask, he isn't.

Meanwhile, people are either friends, acquaintances, or strangers, depending on how well you know them. If you want (and if they want), you can have sex or other forms of physical affection with your friends or acquaintances (or even strangers), but that doesn't make them into boyfriends and it doesn't make the activity into a date.

For an activity to be labeled a date, the decision must be mutual (and it is a decision). Ditto for a couple to be labeled "boyfriends", it is a mutual decision.

Be careful about confusing the emotions you feel toward people with their status in your life. Emotions are unilateral and uncontrollable. Status is mutually decided and mutually maintained.

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