(I first wrote this on 6/15/03)

I'm reading a classic book on schizophrenia -- The Divided Self, by R. D. Laing. He rejects the medical/behavioral model and jumps inside his clients, empathizing with them, and experiencing why their thoughts have organized themselves in ways that appear insane to most observers.

The book is so compelling, so empathic, I'm falling into it. This experience reminds me of something my Abnormal Psychology professor told me on the first day of class: "We will all see bits of ourselves and our friends in these descriptions of mental disorders. That doesn't mean we are all crazy."

(I majored in Psychology in college and went on to study the discipline in graduate school.)

As I rode home on the Metro I read his chapter on the mind/body split. Some schizophrenics feel permanently split off from their own bodies, observing their bodies as you would observe a pet or a friend. This chapter felt spooky to me ... because I am very much an analytical intellectual observer, and I spend a lot of my free time inside my mind instead of inside my body.

Even though I enjoy exercise, I approach it from an analytical framework -- that of keeping my body well-tuned.

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Sometimes I do feel like I'm living in my body. When I'm touching somebody else, or receiving touch. When I'm working out especially hard. When I'm dancing free-form to my favorite songs. When I meditate upon my breath and my heartbeat. When I masturbate. When I eat a gratifying meal. When I'm baking or cooking or doing chores around the apartment.

I live in my body more now than ever before ... so much more that it pulls me back when I wander too far. Yet, I realized on the Metro that right now my body is my anchor, not my home.

(I first wrote this on 6/10/03)

The basis of any human relationship is very closely related to one’s self-image. A negative self-image sets up all sorts of defenses that may in fact create a negative image of you in another person. This is called a self-fulfilling prophesy.

It is not going to help you to believe that your upbringing, your relationship with your own parents is the cause of your negative self-image.

You need to take control of your own self-image and change it by mental practice.

— Jurriaan Plesman

I can see how self-image causes self-fulfilling prophesies. I've also seen how other-image causes self-fulfilling prophesies.

Whenever you apply a label to yourself or to somebody else, you then use that label as a guidepost. For example, if you think you are "stupid", then you might avoid challenging tasks that would build your intellect. If you think somebody else is stupid, then you avoid giving him challenging tasks that would build his intellect.

If you think you are a "failure" then you make a big deal out of every mistake you make, because it "proves" you are a failure, and then you stop trying at all because you are sure you'll fail.

Some people think that the antidote for a negative self-image is a positive self-image. But I think the antidote is to stop relying on self-image. Self-image is just a bunch of labels and selective memories chosen to support those labels.

Everybody can learn new behaviors. Everybody can try new activities. Everybody can walk down a street they've never seen before.

I suppose fear of the unknown is what keeps people from walking away from their self-applied-labels. Or maybe they tried once, and failed, so they figure they'll fail again. Don't most of us fall down several times before we learn to walk? If my one-year-old nephew stopped trying to walk because he fell once and hurt his head ...

Which labels would I like to discard? Hmmmm. All of them? There are certain roles that give stability to my life: my job, my sexual preference, my family & friend relationships, my spiritual seeking. There are certain roles that keep my body and mind highly tuned: my running, walking, biking, lifting, meditating, eating, and sleeping patterns.

Recently, somebody I care about was criticizing himself in a non-constructive way, simply calling himself names, suggesting that he's not physically attractive (even though he's had no shortage of suitors). I don't know too many heterosexual guys, so I don't know how common this is among hets, but among gay guys it is pretty common to criticize yourself for not looking like a magazine ad or a porn star, no matter how attractive you are. I've certainly done my share of self-criticism ... no matter how much other people might be attracted to me, I have often focused only upon my physical "faults" ...

But the other day, as this handsome friend of mine criticized himself, I reassured him that he's a handsome guy, and I realized that I'd never criticize somebody else the way I criticize myself. I care about my beloved friends! I see their good points, I support them, I embrace their so-called imperfections. I might strategize about ways to help them achieve their goals, if they ask for advice, but I don't verbally abuse them regarding their so-called mistakes.

I bet most of us are supportive of our friends in this way. We wouldn't criticize our friends the way we criticize ourselves.

So why do we criticize ourselves that way? Can't we at least agree with ourselves to be friends? Friends with ourselves! Cheering ourselves up if we are having a bad day, instead of tearing ourselves down with verbal abuse. It is important to work on our relationships with ourselves — learning to treat ourselves with the same respect that a lover would expect from us.