A couple months ago, during a period of extreme stress, I determined logically that God exists.

I defined God as the union of all the forces of the Known and Unknown Universe that I do not control.

When I defined God in this way, I concluded that there were only two controlling entities in the entire universe: (1) God, and (2) me (and God held the trump cards).

Then I imagined what it would be like to be such a God. One conscious (?) entity in control of everything except my own free will. That felt like a lopsided contest, especially as there are probably infinite ways to kill me, and no ways for me to kill God (even if I wanted to). And I'm not even sure I have free will! "Free will" falls into a bin labeled "Metaphysical Unknowns" ... a concept that is purely abstract and completely resistant to logical proof. The extent of our free will, if we have any, is limited to our own perceptions of its existence, which could all be illusions.

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Me and God. God and me. What was the point of that?? Were all the people I loved merely aspects of God (and is that a bad thing?)? It seemed like God couldn't control everything, though, because some forces are good and some forces are evil. Why would God control both the evil and the good? So, then I decided that God controlled the good stuff and the Devil controlled the evil stuff. Suddenly, I saw God and the Devil fighting each other all over the planet. I witnessed spiritual warfare.

Which side would I join? Why should I join either side? Do I favor the forces of "good"??? How do I know whether good is really good, whether evil is really evil? Isn't evil constantly trying to trick me into thinking it is good? What would happen to me either way? Is it true that joining God would lead me to Heaven, while joining the Devil would lead me to Hell?

The idea of Heaven has always sounded boring to me, unfortunately. I never understand how a bunch of former humans could live together for eternity inside a warm bath of endless love without eventually getting bored. Wouldn't that be like watching TV with your family forever?

The idea of Hell, however, frightened me. Endless pain. Maybe endless pleasure would get boring, but eternal pain would be both boring and painful. Well, that would be evil, yes. The set of evil includes eternal pain.

Do I have to pick one or the other? Do I really have a choice? How am I supposed to tell the difference between good and evil anyway? As a human, even if I knew what was evil, how could I always avoid it? Sometimes it's a close call, you know, balancing various outcomes and points of view.

I suppose that's where forgiveness enters the picture. As long as you are trying to be good, and you sincerely ask forgiveness for your sins, then you still get to enter Heaven. It is the people who are trying to be evil, and those who act with reckless disregard for the outcome, who are sent to Hell.

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During my more calm and rested moments, I realize that everything I wrote above is a bunch of bullshit. Just because I can imagine God, and the Devil, and Heaven & Hell ... which I can only do in such great detail because I've been brought up that way ... just because I can imagine something doesn't mean it exists. In fact, most of the things I imagine don't exist. That's why we call it imagination.

There are forces at work within (and without) my perceptual well that I can not control. There are forces I can not understand. There are probably forces I can not perceive. Some of these forces might be conscious, others might not be. Good and evil are subjective. Nobody can demonstrate with any certainty what, if anything, happens to our conscious selves when we die. The ideas of Heaven and Hell are used by humans to control other humans, sometimes with sincerity, sometimes with duplicity (and their motivations are not determinative of whether such control is either good or bad for me).

My ontological arguments arose during a period of extreme stress because I was extremely anxious, more anxious than I've ever been. Religion arises from a need to soothe anxiety, especially existential anxiety. Instead of accepting the range and power of the forces we can not control, including those that might extinguish (or torture) us forever, we imagine a storyline that provides salvation.

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So, which side do I join? The good or the evil?

Over the past few days I've had a variety of impulses to do fun things ... and many of them have been blocked by an internally repetitious "No" ... meanwhile I've felt tired, depressed, and full of cravings for things I can not have right now.

The "No" has seen all of these fun things as meaningless distractions. From what? From sitting around and feeling depressed? From solving the dark secrets of my existential angst?

Truly, I need to get on with my life and stop saying "No" to myself. What is it I desire? Why not go after it? Why not make my life a carnival of fun, love, and excitement?

(Update: I finally played Strip Scrabble for the first time on June 11, 2004! I was the last person to get naked! I want to play again!)

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The Rules for Strip Scrabble

1. All the normal Scrabble rules are in force. Set up and play the game as you normally would.

2. Define what constitutes clothing before beginning to play Strip Scrabble. If it matters to you or the others, make sure that each person is wearing the same number of clothes. I suggest that you only count underwear, shirts, pants, socks, and shoes. I suggest that no accessories or jewelry should count, no belts, no shoelaces, etc. Just to make sure, everybody should agree on how many pieces of clothing they are wearing, and what those pieces are, before beginning.

3. Determine who goes first according to the normal Scrabble rules.

4. For Strip Scrabble purposes, treat each wordplay around the table as one round. Each round begins with the person who started first at the beginning of the game.

5. At the end of each round, the person with the lowest score for that round must remove one piece of clothing. Do not use the total score for each player, but only the points scored during that round, for determining who must strip. If there is a tie for lowest score, then each person with the lowest score removes a piece of clothing (unless everybody has the same score, in which case nobody removes a piece of clothing).

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Optional Sex-Slave Bondage Rules:

6A. Optional: If you run out of clothes before the end of the game, then you will become the sex slave of the person with the overall high score at the end of the game. It is possible to become your own sex slave. It is also possible to win more than one sex slave.

7A. Optional: The sexual slavery lasts until dawn. Sexual slaves may be shared with the other players, at the discretion of the owner ;-)

8A. Optional: Bondage toys sold separately.

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Optional Drinking Game Rule:

6B. Optional: If you are already naked and you are required to remove a piece of clothing, you must drink a shot of alcohol instead. I recommend Peppermint Schnapps ;-)

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Optional S/M Game Rules:

(What the hell, you might as well start the game naked if you wanna use these rules!)

6C. Optional: If you are already naked and you are required to remove a piece of clothing, the person with the highest score for that round may place a clothespin anywhere on your body. This clothespin must remain on that spot until the end of the game.

6D. Optional: If you are already naked and you are required to remove a piece of clothing, the person with the highest score for that round may spank your ass with a paddle one time for each round you have lost thus far.

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Enjoy!

I know personally only an extremely small fraction of the world's human population. I'm definitely attracted to certain types of people, so my sample is extremely biased.

However, of the people I've known (including myself), many of them hold strong beliefs about how people should behave, how the government ought to be administered, and which religious beliefs are the correct ones to hold.

Some of them hold strong beliefs about how I should behave! I usually try to avoid debates over how I should behave ... trying my best to do so without lying about my intentions ... though sometimes my intentions change shortly afterward ...

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It has been my observation that these beliefs about "how people should behave" cause the believers to suffer. The believers spend a lot of time disciplining themselves and griping about others. When the believer's own behavior doesn't match his beliefs, then he gripes about himself. The beliefs themselves create unhappiness and low self-esteem.

Why are certain beliefs more important than our happiness?

Or, did the beliefs occur because of past unhappiness?

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Maybe many beliefs about "how people should behave" originate when we feel unhappy about how a particular behavior has affected us personally. Maybe we felt extreme jealousy when a lover flirted with another, so we started to believe that such flirtation is wrong. Maybe we felt scared and angry when a stranger mugged us and stole our wallet, so we started to believe that such theft is wrong.

When we create a "should" from personal experience, we are trying to avoid future unhappiness by telling ourselves and the rest of the human race how to behave in the future. At some point, though, we internalize these rules and we become upset, not because the rulebreaking harms us personally, but because the rule itself is broken.

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Maybe other beliefs about "how people should behave" are accepted because we were brought up to believe them. And other beliefs might result from empathy for those affected.

However the beliefs originate, they have the same effect on the believer. The more strongly held the belief, the more suffering it causes when people don't behave.

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One way to experience the presence of the memetic soup stewing inside your mind is by imagining its absence.

Imagine being a castaway, washed ashore on a deserted island, having no other humans within your completely unmediated perceptual well. Separated from the society of your peers and your kin. You have no idea what is happening in the rest of the world, either to strangers or to loved ones. You are alone, and will probably remain alone for the rest of your days.

No books, television, internet, radio, or conversations.

Only you, your own body, and your own mind.

You'd have to figure out how to provide yourself with shelter, food, and water, while defending yourself against the forces of nature.

Under these conditions, what is good? Your own continued survival, meeting the biological needs and drives of your body, and somehow maintaining your sanity. What is evil? Pain, starvation, death. When you are separated from other humans, separated from your culture, all that matters -- if anything matters -- are your own personal needs.

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Now, place yourself back into the memetic soup of your human society. You've probably been trained to believe certain things are good or evil, regardless of whether they serve or injure your personal interests. Perhaps you believe in a reciprocal social contract, such as the Golden Rule -- that all individuals (including yourself) should treat each other with the kindness, compassion, and discretion they wish to receive from others. Perhaps you believe in the rule of law -- that laws are written by duly elected representatives who consider the greater good of all who live within your legal jurisdiction, so you are obliged to follow such laws or face the required punishment. Perhaps you believe in a faith-based way of life -- that God has revealed a set of moral teachings, so you struggle within yourself to follow these teachings despite the temptations surrounding you.

If you had been born in the wild, without human society, and had lived on your own, you would not have learned any of the above mediated systems of morality. These systems of morality govern human interactions, and are taught to humans by other humans via the constantly arrayed forces of memetic socialization and behavioral conditioning.

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Each of these moral systems requires occasional sacrifices. Sometimes the sacrifice is justified as part of a trade-off -- you win some and you lose some. Sometimes the sacrifice is justified by mutual prohibition -- nobody is allowed to do such a thing, not even you, for the good of all. Sometimes the sacrifice is justified in terms of eternal reward or punishment -- a short period of circumscribed behavior will bring you eternal bliss in the afterlife.

But why should we go along with moral systems that require us to sacrifice our own interests? We only do so when we've been convinced, via propaganda, that a not-good-for-me is actually good. Good is thereby removed from the individual and made into an absolute-other which must be served. Good becomes a disembodied master -- an internalized master. The pleasures and pains of the body have been (at least partially) overridden by the mind's meme complex.

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There are also times when we defer gratification for our own greater good. We may believe that we'll get more sex (or live a longer, healthier life) if we skip dessert and force ourselves to exercise. We may believe we'll have a wealthier future if we work hard now to get a good degree, a good job, a good promotion, etc. We may believe that our personal relationships will be happier in the future if we sacrifice now for those we love.

These are logical efforts by the mind to invest in the future.

However, moral systems also require us to sacrifice now simply because this sacrifice is good for others, or good for the system, or ... simply labeled "good" by some arbitrary memetic junk.

And even our logical efforts to improve our own lot might be incorrectly aimed because of incorrect beliefs. Maybe eating that dessert won't affect your appearance, sex life, health, or lifespan. Maybe skipping today's aerobics class won't either. Maybe you'll get a good job even without a degree. Maybe you'll be happier if you turn down the promotion. You can't always know that your current efforts will pay off ... or that your beliefs are truly helping you to prosper.

Many of my Queer comrades agitate and hope for the extension of marriage rights to same-gender couples.

I want to know why anybody, Queer or straight, wants the government to control how their life-partnerships are created and dissolved. Why should the government decide which people are allowed to marry, what happens to their property during marriage, and how their property (and custody of their children) should be divided after marriage? Why should the government decide whether you may get a divorce?

I say, keep your government out of my most personal decisions. If I decide to create a formal bond with another human being, I can do so via written contracts and mutual understandings. If we encounter difficulties and need arbitration, then one of us can haul the other into court for an examination of the contracts and the facts.

If you think that writing a marriage contract takes all the romance out of the relationship, well, what do you think a standard marriage is?? Marriage is already a contract, only the government writes the terms in a one-size-fits-all fashion, and you don't have any say in the matter beyond "I do".

I was baptized a Catholic and many of my relatives still identify themselves as Catholic. I recently attended my niece's First Communion.

When I was a teenager I started discovering what I concluded were logical fallacies in some of the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church. I still have many differences with these teachings, but that's not what I intend to discuss on this particular page. I'll save those for another day.

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During that trip to celebrate my niece's First Communion with my family, I spoke for a while with my step-mother. She told me that there was a vacancy in the local bishopric. When I asked her whether she knew how that vacancy would be filled, she had no idea. No idea! My step-mother is such a devout Catholic that she would not have married my father if the Church had not granted her an annulment from her previous marriage ... and she had no idea how the people making that decision for her were appointed to their powerful positions.

I'm not reporting breaking news here, but the Roman Catholic Church is not a democratic organization. Local parishes do not get to choose their priests, and technically each Catholic is assigned to a parish based on geographic boundaries. Lay persons have no vote with regard to who their bishops are (and certainly don't get to choose the Pope). The Roman Catholic Church is governed by its own set of laws, in fact, the Church is a sovereign nation administered from The Vatican:

The Catholic state occupies a geographical area of about .44 square kilometers -- some 70% of the size of the Capitol Mall in Washington, D.C. It has no agricultural lands, manufactures no products (except religious kitsch and official postage stamps), engages in no trade, has no pasture lands or port. Its biggest industry, not including religious proselytizing, is worldwide financial activities and banking services. It has no opposition political parties. What passes for suffrage in the Papal state is limited to Cardinals under the age of 80 who vote for a replacement whenever a Pope expires. It has no airport (only a helicopter pad), one "official" newspaper and seven broadcasting stations, and operates on an annual budget estimated at $175 million. ^{The Vatican as Political State, Religious Sect}

Many local parishes have parish committees elected by their members, but these bodies are purely advisory -- the pastor is in charge of the parish, the bishop is in charge of the pastor, and the Pope is in charge of the bishops.

I'm sure that the Church hierarchy pays attention to the needs, desires, and complaints of its flock. But the Church is not governed by an open, democratic process. Not like most Protestant religious organizations.

The main justification for this authoritarian system is, essentially, a theory of theocracy. God set up the Church this way, and God works through the Church, so the Church's teachings reflect the Word and Spirit of God. The Pope is viewed as the direct lineal descendant of Saint Peter, and the Pope maintains a doctrine of infallibility. The Pope has stated that there is no salvation outside the Church.

Even if you are a Catholic, and you agree with all the teachings of the Church, you still have no say in which humans get to run the place. This creates a lack of accountability -- in which the typical Catholic has no idea how the Church is being administered. (No wonder there are all these sex scandals popping up ...)

I believed certain emotions were bad. I believed certain actions were evil. I believed certain terrain should be avoided.

I believed I should not feel anger. I believed I should not cause pain. I believed I should fear particular people, places, or outcomes.

I wanted to live in an ideal world.

I wanted to sacrifice myself for a vision of what ought to be.

Then I realized, as a human, ultimate knowledge is not possible. Ultimate control is not possible. Sacrifice won't stop what I fear, or create what I desire. My fears and desires are both imaginary, the greater expanse of reality occurs outside of my grasp. All of my thoughts are merely internal images. Reality is what I perceive via my senses, but far more than I can ever perceive via my senses, and I am most alive when I open to whatever I perceive, hiding from nothing, splitting from nothing, slashing at nothing, embracing everything that enters my perceptual well.

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When you fuck me I become enormous:
A greatness grows inside me,
Around your cock I

Swell

Resistance amplifies, friction heats,
Pushing pulls up power so I
Struggle, thrashing and yelling, straining against you

Restraining, you overpower me,
hold me down
hold me still so I can feel ... heat ... pressure ... delicate tissues stretched beyond reason ...

You burn through me red like vaporizing stone

You grab my hair, cover my mouth, drown me with
Your tongue, sweet complicated taste of hot mixed spit
I suck you in, your wetness ...

I stretch, not knowing why, so I
Take you in deeper, push you back, you
Fuck a rougher rhythm, swift I levitate and
Still you hold me down, thrusting
Through me ... all walls melt ...

I can take you, all of you, and I can give you back.

-- Dossie Easton

From the moment of my birth, during the September of 1967, people tacitly presumed that I would mature into a heterosexual male. I am certain that I had no understanding of the term or practice we call "homosexuality" for the first several years of my life. I was baptized a Catholic, and earnestly believed what I was taught in Sunday school.

During 1978 my family lived in Wichita, Kansas. I remember my mother explaining to me, as she drove to her polling place, that she was voting in favor of a gay rights ordinance. That is my first memory on the topic, and I had no idea then that I would someday identify myself as "gay".

The first time I ever masturbated successfully I was flipping through a Playboy magazine from my father's collection.

I had "girlfriends" during elementary school, high school, and even during my first year at Duke University.

However, as my body matured, I found myself more attracted to male bodies than to female bodies. Much more attracted. The relationships I had with women were missing something essential -- I did not fantasize about having sex with them, and I did not have sex with them. The first person I had sex with was a male, a fella one grade behind me in high school. Not only did I have sex with him, I fell in love with him, love more intense than any I'd ever had.

Before I labeled myself as "gay" I was more interested in having sexual/romantic relationships with men than with women. Much more interested. For me this was completely natural and unforced. I was not recruited, assaulted, or patterned in any way, I simply followed my innate desires.

The labels came later.

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During my second year at Duke I decided that I was gay. I did so analytically -- I looked at how much more attracted I was toward men, and realized that I'd be completely happy were I never to have sex with a female. I wanted to have a boyfriend. I decided that finding a boyfriend would be easier if I "came out" and told people that I was gay and started hanging out with other gay fellas, wherever they might be.

I claimed the gay label and made it part of my identity, then I went in search of a gay community for friendship, support, and romance.

I found a gay community on campus, the Duke Gay Lesbian Association. That wasn't so difficult ... although coming out to my friends and family had its rough spots.

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Soon after finding a gay community I was educated about the community's list of political demands. Gays and lesbians wanted equal rights. They wanted protection from discrimination in employment, housing, and benefits. They wanted the right to serve openly in the military. They wanted the right to marry and have children. They wanted protection from discrimination in matters of child custody and visitation.

I also became more aware of discrimination. I'd been raised in a progressive household and had never been taught that homosexuality was bad. I never believed that homosexuality was bad. But I quickly learned that lots of people think homosexuality is sinful, evil, or disgusting. Some people "tolerated" homosexuals, while still believing that homosexuals should not be allowed to teach, preach, live in their neighborhoods, or "flaunt" their sexuality. I learned that some people have unreasoning, emotional hatreds towards gays and lesbians ... hatreds that lead to violence and murder.

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To me, this is all way more complicated than it ought to be.

Why can't our society just let people love and live with whomever they please? Why can't two or more people of any gender create their own voluntary families and be treated equally under the law?

To me, this is labeling run amok. I have particular interests, I look for people with compatible interests, I decide to spend time with them, we ask that we be treated on the basis of merit and equal rights. If my interest were to play soccer, nobody would care. It wouldn't matter if I labeled myself a "soccer player", whether I identified with the "soccer community", or had any idea what a "soccer agenda" might entail.

There is something special about sexuality.

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Humans are mammals. Mammals reproduce sexually. If a mammal doesn't have sex, it doesn't reproduce, and its genes die with the host. Powerful biological forces drive us to have sex :o) Sex with the opposite gender, that is.

Why do some of us feel powerful biological forces driving us to have sex with the same gender? I don't know. Perhaps it is a mutation. Humans have learned how to separate the reproductive goal of sex from the pleasure goal of sex. We can do this by ourselves, via masturbation. We can do this with one or more partners as long as the sperms and eggs are blocked from union. And we can do this with people of the same gender -- with no possibility of reproduction.

I don't know why humans are the lucky ones, able to separate reproduction from pleasure. Some think that this separation is sinful. There's a fun label for ya: "sinful". Let's divide human behavior into two mutually exclusive sets: sinful & nonsinful. Who decides? How? Sigh.

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It isn't only the gay community that has an agenda. Every community that shares a moral vision of how life ought to be lived has an agenda. Some agendas are authoritarian -- thou shalt and thou shalt not! Other agendas are permissive -- thou can, if thou'd like!

After I completed law school and adjusted to my newly becalmed life I stopped using an alarm clock. I also stopped drinking caffeinated beverages. Now my body naturally wakes up early in the morning, full of energy, ready for an hour of running or biking.

I do occasionally have trouble sleeping. One source of insomnia for me is chocolate consumption -- chocolate contains stimulating chemicals, and a late night chocolate binge will often lead to a restless night.

Another source of insomnia for me is spinning thoughts: memetic insomnia. A day full of stimulating events creates a desire to relive the events and process them. A day full of emotional problems creates a desire to work through the problems and solve them. The night before a busy day I might anticipate and plan various scenarios.

I've learned that I can usually short-circuit memetic insomnia with meditation. I've been practicing meditation for so long now that I can often command my mind into silence. I can move my awareness throughout my body, relaxing each muscle in turn, focusing on my breathing and my heartbeat, clearing my mind of any thoughts concerning the future, the past, or events outside of my perceptual well.

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Part of the solution to memetic insomnia is an understanding that problems do not require immediate solutions, that the future will unfold regardless, that the proper reactions need not be rehearsed ahead of time. In addition to the techniques of meditation I have attitudes and beliefs that foster relaxation and serenity. I am willing to let go of the thoughts spinning inside. Furthermore, I am in no rush to fall asleep ;-) One of the paradoxes of insomnia is that worrying about lack of sleep inhibits sleep!

Here is my personal one-page summary of Buddhism (I don't necessarily believe or follow everything I've written below):

As we live, we all feel every possible human emotion, both positive and negative. It is impossible to avoid negative emotions. As we live, we all feel every possible level of pleasure and pain. It is impossible to avoid pain. Just as we are all born, so we must all die. Everything dies, and everything that lives changes during its lifespan. Nothing is permanent -- everything we love will change and everything we love will eventually die.

Nevertheless, life is worth living, even though much of the time we are unhappy ... and there are ways to feel more satisfied with life. There is more to life than pain and grief. There is also joy.

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In addition to physical pain and negative emotions, living beings also suffer. However, suffering occurs only in the mind, only as the result of particular kinds of dissatisfied thoughts. Suffering is what we feel when we are unable to satisfy our desires. Suffering is what we feel when we can't achieve our goals. Suffering is what we feel when we are unable to control other people. Suffering is what we feel when reality doesn't live up to our expectations. Suffering is what we feel when we don't want to experience pain or negative emotions. In order to reduce suffering, we must learn to be satisfied with all things -- ourselves, other people, social institutions, nature, the universe, and our pain -- as they are, and as they change.

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The trick -- is to learn how to reduce our expectations. It seems natural for people to strive for more than they need ... it seems natural for people to believe they need more than they already have ... it seems natural for people to try to avoid pain and sadness ... it seems natural for societies to strive toward "progress" and "reform" and "a better life for our children." It sounds wrong, at first, to give up striving, goals, expectations, and desires. It seems natural for people to believe that the path to happiness is to follow our desires.

But Buddhism teaches that following our desires is a trap that leads to suffering, not a path to happiness. Buddhism teaches that true joy results when we are satisfied with all things as they are, knowing that all things will change in uncontrollable ways.

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Buddhism provides an eight-step pathway to joy. The way is not necessarily easy or foolproof, and the way will not remove negative emotions, pain, unwanted changes, or death from our lives. However, the way will reduce suffering, and increase joy.

The first step along this pathway to joy is to understand the true nature of life -- to understand that life is full of pleasures and pains, changes and endings, none of which can ultimately be avoided. This understanding of the true nature of life includes an understanding of our interdependence, that our actions affect others as well as ourselves. Some people call this understanding "karma". Although we can't change the true nature of life, we can learn, over time, to modify our own behaviors so that we don't cause as much pain and suffering for ourselves and for others.

The second step along this pathway to joy is to make intellectual commitments to reduce our cravings and expectations, and to treat ourselves and others more kindly. We are imperfect beings, and we will make mistakes, and we can not change the true nature of life. At first, the best we can do is try to understand the true nature of life and try to treat ourselves and others with more understanding and compassion.

The third step is to monitor and change our speech. To speak only truthfully to ourselves and others, to enable us to see the world and ourselves as we truly are -- because the root of suffering is wanting things to be other than they are. When we speak as though we want things exactly as they are, we do not lie, we do not slander, we do not criticize, and we do not engage in know-it-all gossip about current events.

The fourth step is to monitor and change our behaviors -- avoiding killing, stealing, intoxication, and sexual assault. In nearly all cases we do not need to engage in these types of behaviors to survive. When we behave in these ways it is a sign that we have not reduced our cravings or expectations, and when we behave in these ways we create pain for others and ourselves.

The fifth step is to find employment or livelihood that is aligned with the above principles. A job in which one is not required to kill, exploit, or assault other living beings. A job in which one may speak truthfully. A job in which one may treat others with respect and goodwill. This can be a difficult step, because we all need a way to provide food and shelter for ourselves and our loved ones. However, many of those who take jobs that violate Buddhist principles do so because they have not reduced their cravings and expectations. Principled employment often does not pay as well, but principled people do not "need" as much either.

The sixth step is to make a continual effort to follow the above steps. Buddhism is not like a cap that you can put on in the morning and then forget about. Buddhism requires a continual effort, especially because it seems to be human nature to desire more than we have, especially because it seems to be human nature to treat others without understanding and compassion. To follow this path requires an expenditure of energy every day.

The seventh step is to cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means living in the present moment, paying attention to our surroundings rather than our internal deliberations, paying attention to NOW rather than memories of the past or dreams about the future. Many Buddhists practice regular mindfulness meditation. It does require practice, and a continual effort. It seems to be human nature to dwell on the past or dream of the future. Sometimes living in the moment hurts, or is boring. However, when we are not living in the present moment we are not appreciating ourselves and our surroundings as they are.

My father made a huge deal about living with integrity. He believed in honesty and commitment. He believed that success with integrity is the real challenge of living a human life. He died penniless ;-)

I'm sure he ran into his share of liars and cheats along the way. Accounting scandals are not a new invention, despite all the recent news about Enron & Arthur Andersen.

He occasionally told me stories of people he worked with who used their positions for personal gain, using lies, fraud, and secret handshakes. We've probably all witnessed stuff like this, both on the job, and in personal relationships.

The media are depressingly full of such stories. No political party, legislature, or executive administration is immune -- somebody somewhere is always in it for themselves.

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Some would argue, following Ayn Rand, that there is nothing wrong with being selfish and acting to further your own interests. Rand's novels make it look like the selfish people are heroes, while the seemingly selfless people are the ones engaging in violent fraud. She seems to assume that rational selfish people will automatically adhere to a moralistic code of conduct -- an ideal form of the free market. However, in the real world there are plenty of amoral and criminal people who take advantage of the free market, or any system, to fraudulently grab gains for themselves. The constant presence of criminal activity is a main purpose for the existence of government. It is the reason the founders of the United States set up a system of checks and balances.

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Why do people lie? The term "pathological liar" is used to describe people who lie so much they can't help themselves, but I bet most of the time people lie because they expect benefits from doing so. More money, more sex, avoiding punishment ... knocking off a rival, staying in power, avoiding criticism.

Every religious or moral code I'm aware of claims that lying is (almost?) always a bad thing. In particular, Buddhism sees lying as a refusal to accept reality -- and Buddhism teaches that all suffering results from refusing to accept reality. Christians believe in an omniscient God -- so lying is useless if God always knows the truth anyway, lying means running away from your personal relationship with God, and refusing to trust in God's wise plan.

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More interesting to me, is why people tell the truth when doing so hurts them. Well, telling the truth -- even when it hurts -- creates a reputation for telling the truth. People who have a good reputation are favored by those who know about it, leading to more opportunities for friendship, better and deeper romantic relationships, more fulfilling business relationships, and other transactional benefits. People who have a reputation for lying usually have to run away or prey on strangers, and their relationships won't last very long.

One problem resulting from urbanization and career mobility is the lack of reputational guidance when we interact with other people. Some people believe that America is suffering from a morality deficit, and that God is the answer. I think that God could be part of the answer, for those who follow a religious path, but the real problem is one of proper enforcement. By allowing our culture to become driven by mobility and cost control, reputational factors have lost their strength.

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Just this morning I read in the Wall Street Journal that Circuit City fired 2900 of its top sales agents. According to the article, the top 2900 performers were let go, because they had the highest salaries. The sole criterion for the mass firing was salary. Those top performers had the highest salaries because they were paid, in part, by commission. They made those high commissions because they had developed good reputations with their repeat customers!

The management of Circuit City decided that reputation does not matter in today's marketplace. They immediately replaced the fired agents with newly hired sales agents who would be paid an hourly rate without commission.

Sometimes I get to pull rank --> I'm 35 years old, I've experienced certain things, I've seen certain things, I know more about how the world works than some younger people do ;-)

In particular, I've had a long-term monogamous relationship, one lasting nearly 8 years. Some of my younger friends simply aren't yet old enough to have found one like that. That doesn't stop many of them from looking, earnestly, feeling sad when they don't have one. Trying again and again with various potentials.

How is it that we can earnestly desire things we've never had? How can we know for sure we'll like it if we've never had it? Similarly, how can we be sure we won't like things we've never tried? When it comes to monogamy vs. open relationships, I have interacted with several people who've never had either, but they have strong opinions about preferring one over the other.

This is the phenomenon I want to examine: how we come to desire (or despise) things or people we've never experienced directly for ourselves.

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This is goal-oriented behavior I'm discussing here. Seeing an object, or imagining an object, and making a decision to go after it, to make it your own. Perhaps the object is a college degree, a kitten, a house, a new car, a new husband, a divorce, a trip to Sydney, a gym membership, a marathon, a promotion, a new job, a new apartment ...

The list of possible desires is endless. If you immerse yourself within a bath of commercial media I'm sure you'll find dozens of examples within an hour. Commercials are designed to make their target audiences desire something. Often commercials reinforce current desires, but their designers are usually intent upon grabbing new customers as well.

Political campaigns are no different -- often asking you to support somebody who's never held the job before, hoping to create a desire for something new, something unknown, by creating mediated dissatisfaction within your present moment.

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Sometimes we generate our desires on our own. We see something real within our perceptual well and we desire to do something with it, to make it belong to us. We see a sexually attractive person several paces away, and fantasize about striking up a conversation and dragging him to bed ;-) We see a cool-looking car, or watch, or suit. We might drive by an attractive home and wish we could afford something larger for ourselves.

The more idealistic sort see a corner of the world that needs cleaning up in some way, and desire a campaign to organize the community toward that end.

We can even look at our own bodies and desire slimmer waists or larger muscles, whiter teeth, tattoos, piercings, smoother or hairier skin, darker tans, fewer wrinkles, or even differently colored irises.

Is there anybody on the planet so satisfied that he desires absolutely nothing different from what he already has? Such a person would be a Buddha! Wouldn't you like to be a Buddha? Imagine having no desires at all. Don't you desire Nirvana? Heh ... now we've hit our paradox du jour ...

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Which type of desire is more captivating, the desire for something you've lost, or the desire for something you've only imagined? Hmm. I think each person will have her own answer to that question. Addictions sometimes result from a craving to repeat past experiences. But some people are obsessed with reaching goals they've never before conquered, always wanting to top their previous self-tally with a new prize.

All of the desires I've described above have one common element -- they all involve a focus on future pleasure instead of present pleasure. They all depend on some level of distraction from or dissatisfaction with the present moment.

Especially when you desire something via an advertisement or your own imagination. When you desire objects that are not within your perceptual well you are either implicitly or explicitly showing your dissatisfaction with your surroundings. What you are and what you have right now are simply not enough. You want more.

If, instead, you desire something within your perceptual well ... such as a slice of chocolate cake from behind the baker's glass counter ... you are not content to gaze upon that object. You want to possess or even consume it. Appreciation is not good enough! Having it near you is not good enough!

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Well ... so what's my point?

Today, while eating lunch, I saw an attractive man sitting near me. I liked several things about the way he looked and the way he moved. I was impressed by his choice of food for lunch. His shoes were fun! His clothes fit very well and allowed me to imagine a slender, slightly muscular, span of nudity within.

In other words, he was hot!

Having him nearby added pleasure to my present moment. I allowed that unexpected pleasure to flow through me. It was great!

However, yesterday on my lunch break I saw a couple of hot shirtless fellas running along the Mall between the Capitol and the Washington Monument. I was carrying my camera, so I tried to catch a few shots of them at their closest approach. As they kept running farther away from me I felt a strong desire to possess them, to make use of them, to contribute to their own pleasure by exercising my talents upon their bodies. That desire ... went beyond an enjoyment of the present moment ... and that desire led me to suffer. I began to regret that I'm not currently dating a hot shirtless runner, or anybody else! I began to conspire within, wondering how I could attain the status of "boyfriend" with such a man, how I could possibly deserve him. As my thoughts tumbled into goal-oriented rehearsals, I lost touch with the beauty of my present moment.

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In real life, among all the men I've ever had the pleasure of knowing well, the best looking was one of the most unhappy. When I was young, before I'd had a long-term relationship, during the time when I was earnestly searching for one, a really hot guy picked me up at my gym. We went on a date, and later found ourselves naked together. He was the hottest guy ever, but the sexual chemistry between us did not work at all. I found myself angry and frustrated. He only wanted to do things which I did not want to do.

We decided to become good friends instead, probably because I'm a good listener and we had a lot to teach each other. Over the years, I learned that this hot guy was extremely unhappy with his life. He complained a lot, almost endlessly about every trivia. He'd worry that he wasn't attractive, one time calling himself "flabby" when ... damn, everybody in the bar would turn to look at him upon his entrance.

Other times I've picked up hot guys in bars, and I've learned -- as we all learn -- that personality traits are not correlated with looks. Just because a guy looks hot doesn't mean you'll actually like each other, in bed or otherwise. Trying to turn a hot fella into your boyfriend often creates needless suffering for both of you.

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I'm using a lot of words to restate what many people have said, for generations: true happiness lives in the present moment. True happiness results when we've learned to appreciate our surroundings as they are. Appreciation without possession. Appreciation without desire.

Looking at an advertisement and saying, "What a beautiful picture," instead of, "I need to get myself one of those." Looking at a sexy person and saying, "Yum!" instead of, "How can I meet him?" Looking at a dessert and saying, "What rich colors and smells," instead of, "I'd like two to go!"

Is living in the moment an impossible ideal? Perhaps, if you desire to live in the moment at all times and become frustrated with yourself for failing to achieve that goal. However, living in the moment is possible, especially with practice. Sometimes we may need guidance as to how this moment can be appreciated. Sometimes we simply can't shake our desires and obsessions.

We can lean in the direction of a little more appreciation. What is there within your current surroundings that you can enjoy right now? Something you already own? A view out the window? A current friend or lover? A snack in the cupboard? A scented candle waiting for your light? Singing along to a remembered song? Taking joy in organizing a stack of books? Smiling to your coworkers, your customers, or your supervisors, perhaps telling then a funny story? Massaging the back of your own neck, or offering a hug to somebody nearby?

Our current surroundings are often incredibly rich as they are, all we have to do is stop desiring, and start appreciating :-)

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Some people might respond to this angrily, saying, "What the fuck! You try working this job! You try living in this apartment! You try dating the fellas who live around here!"

Some people live in worse circumstances than I do, yes. It might be very difficult to find something to appreciate about your present moment. For that I apologize.

Perhaps in some moments, appreciation has to dig deep for its reward. Perhaps all we can say right now is, "Well, at least I'm alive," or "At least I'm not paralyzed or blind or deaf." If our surroundings are toxic and painful, we can attempt to appreciate our ability to put up with such crap. Not everybody could put up with your crap. Some people would have quit long ago, or would have snapped under the pressure. You can appreciate your own strength in the face of adversity.

And if you at least try to find something to appreciate ... maybe the reason you aren't appreciative of your present moment is because you are desiring something you can not have. Maybe you desire a life that is free from all pain, or a job that is not hard work, or relationships that do not produce conflicts.

As I've been studying and practicing Buddhism I've occasionally had moments where I suddenly and forcefully understood a Buddhist concept with all of my being. Over the past year these moments happened more often, and more deeply.

During the week between Palm Sunday and Easter of this year, an entire complex of Buddhist concepts gang-tackled me at once. The effect was profound. I felt like my entire brain was being hijacked and reprogrammed. I experienced a sensation in which my entire life unzipped into the present, similar to a near-death experience. I saw how every major event in my life had brought me, step by step, to the present moment. I saw the interconnectedness of everything in the universe, and the wheels-within-wheels of conscious matter & energy. I became more empathic than ever. I started to feel like my soul was being invited to pop out of my head, as though I'd graduated to a new level of existence.

Soon these visions began to scare me. My empathy introduced me to some horrible visions -- visions of madness, pain, and death. I realized ways in which I'd mistreated people, especially my now dead parents, and I felt profound guilt. Far worse, I realized that the extensions of human technology during the past 60 years (atomic, biological, and computational) had reached the point where the tools of Armageddon are now in uncontrollably diverse human hands, and that the odds of avoiding it during my lifetime could become impossibly low.

Parts of my brain resisted the new Buddhist meme complex and fought back. My Catholic upbringing clubbed me via psychotic sounds and images of an angry and retributional God who had taken control of my body. I feared that I would go to Hell for all the sins I've commited during my lifetime. I wanted to offer myself as a sacrifice. I never would have taken my own life, but I was willing to accept any punishment for my wrongdoing.

Then I entered a world of paranoid delusions (unless you believe in spiritual warfare -- perhaps I spent a period seeing the angels and demons that populate the spirit world -- why must we assume that these visions were not their own reality?). I worried about a fantastic variety of things. I worried that computers would help to destroy the human race. I worried that I had become nothing more than a Sim inside somebody's computer simulation of human life. I worried that we are truly alone, that love and altruism are shams, that everybody I love will leave me, that I'd become imprisoned inside a pure particle of energy for all time.

Once I entered the mental hospital I believed I had been sent to Hell. I scrambled from moment to moment to figure out the rules of this new place, so that I could find my way back to the place I once called reality. It seemed like every person and every activity that occurred in the mental hospital had a deeper or ambiguous meaning, that demons were trying to pull me deeper and deeper into fear. Even my closest friends appeared animated by forces outside of themselves, as they brought me "gifts" that they could not possibly have understood.

The pajamas one friend brought to me looked like prison garb, white with vertical dark stripes. The books my friends brought to me included The Scarlet Letter and a biography of Galileo detailing his struggle between Truth and Church. Even the magazines and cards my friends brought seemed to have been designed to remind me of my fears.

I was not able to emerge from this landscape of spiritual warfare until I learned to laugh at all the combatants, I physically stuck my middle finger into their midst, I realized that the spirits were trying to scare me, not kill me. I had been so afraid of my fears, so every fear inside of me had multiplied into a supernatural force. Once I laughed at my fears they diminished.

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On my way home from the mental hospital my brother drove us into the back of another car. My warning to him allowed him to brake more quickly, otherwise serious damage would have occurred.

Even this manifestation of danger failed to frighten me. I had mastered my fears by allowing them to grow exponentially and then laughing at them. I had learned how to deal with anxiety.

Over the next couple of weeks I returned to a normal life. I confronted many of my fears, one by one. The medications I'd received made me sleepy and hungry, so I returned to my normal weight and sleep patterns. My friends and family convinced themselves that I was OK, and they allowed me to drift to my normal distance from them.

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Depression is believed to be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. ^{REMERON® Patient Sheet}

"Believed" ... um ... we are to take prescription mind-altering pills on faith? Sort of like ingesting Christ's body and blood at Catholic Mass ;-)

Mania refers to behavior that includes profuse and rapidly changing ideas, exaggerated sexuality, extreme gaiety, intense irritability, and decreased sleep.

Depression is used frequently to describe a feeling of sadness. With bipolar disorder, however, the lows of depression are characterized by extreme hopelessness and a feeling of worthlessness accompanied by thoughts of suicide.

Some researchers believe that bipolar disorder is caused by biochemical instability in the transmission of nerve impulses in the brain triggered by an upsetting life experience, substance abuse, lack of sleep, or other excessive stimulation. ^{Bipolar Disorders}

During the week between Palm Sunday and Easter Monday I experienced something wild -- a few days of mania followed by a few days of depression, along with paranoid delusions. I sought medical help. They prescribed drugs. The mania, depression, and delusions went away. Did they go away because of the drugs? Would they have gone away anyway? What really caused that wild week to happen? Was it a bad thing?

STANFORD, Calif. — For decades, scientists have known that eminently creative individuals have a much higher rate of manic depression, or bipolar disorder, than does the general population. But few controlled studies have been done to build the link between mental illness and creativity. Now, Stanford researchers Connie Strong and Terence Ketter, MD, have taken the first steps toward exploring the relationship.

Using personality and temperament tests, they found healthy artists to be more similar in personality to individuals with manic depression than to healthy people in the general population. "My hunch is that emotional range, having an emotional broadband, is the bipolar patient’s advantage," said Strong. "It isn’t the only thing going on, but something gives people with manic depression an edge, and I think it’s emotional range." ^{STANFORD RESEARCHERS ESTABLISH LINK BETWEEN CREATIVE GENIUS AND MENTAL ILLNESS}

They found that healthy artists are more similar in personality to those with manic depression. Ah, so if you are an artist, and you are "healthy", then it is OK if you exhibit some symptoms of manic depression. Hmmm. Who decides whether a person is an artist? This group was comprised of Stanford graduate students enrolled in prestigious product design, creative writing and fine arts programs. Oh. You are a healthy artist if Stanford admits you to their "prestigious" graduate programs. Well, I went to Duke, does that count? Humph.

It was during that wild week that my self-identity changed and I realized that I am an artist.

I've been a daily writer since 8th grade. On those occasions when I've taken art or photography classes I've created unique and compelling work, according to teachers or peers. But I didn't think of myself as an artist.

After my Father died in November, I set a new goal for myself -- to become a writer. I decided that I would begin writing a novel the following November, giving myself one year to mentally prepare.

Having set that goal, my self-image began to change ...

Instead of rebelling against identities I did not want to claim, I looked at myself as I am, and I looked at the universe as it is, and during that wild week I underwent a series of revelations that wore out my body & my mind and led me into the most fearful day I've ever endured.

On that day I sought medical attention. I was offered hospitalization in a mental health unit and three forms of mind-altering prescription medication: an anti-psychotic (Seroquel -- indicated for the treatment of schizophrenia!), an anti-depressant (Remeron), and an anti-manic (Depakote). The idea of hospitalization scared me even more than my own rampant & uncontrollable thoughts! But I felt like I had no other choice, and no other choice was offered to me.

Spending a long weekend in a mental hospital was quite an experience. I'm not sure that mental hospitals are the best place for people who are suffering from a bipolar episode, though.

Once I had convinced my keepers that I was stabilizing, they sent me on my way. I took a week off from work, spent time with family and friends, and set up a series of weekend getaways -- travel therapy. My 3-day weekend with the Body Electric School was especially therapeutic :-)

During this time I started tapering off the medication. I convinced my doctor that I no longer needed the anti-psychotic. I started taking half-doses of the anti-manic. Then some half-doses of the anti-depressant ... and now I've stopped. That's not all my fault. My HMO has delayed sending me the refills I should have received, and now I'm out of medicine.

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The truth is that the manic highs and even the depressive lows contribute some degree of “passion” to one’s personality—or so it seems. While bipolar artists do their best painting and writers produce their best poetry during high or low episodes, they find that medication may leave them feeling quite flat and relatively lacking in emotion. When they get to a point where they fear the loss of their talent, and even their very livelihood, they may decide to stop taking medication in favor of regaining the extremes of emotion that they prefer. ^{Treating Bipolar Disorders}

I felt like the medications reduced my anxiety level. They also made me much more sleepy, groggy in the morning, and hungrier. I found it difficult to exercise, sometimes my body felt leaden, and I was definitely putting on weight.

For the first couple of weeks the meds seemed to block me from feeling any unpleasant emotions. As I started cutting back on the meds, I was able to experience a wider range of emotions, including some anxiety, anger, and grief.

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Isn't it normal to experience an enormous identity shift after losing a parent? Especially after losing both parents? Perhaps in a different culture we would have understood that I was feeling both liberated and frightened because I no longer had parents to rebel against or comform to. I was feeling guilt for not treating my parents better while they were alive, and fear of my own mortality. These all sound like normal emotions to me ... they came on so strong that I wasn't able to sleep for days, and then the lack of sleep contributed to paranoia and psychosis.

By that time I needed a safe place where I wouldn't feel alone, and something to help me sleep. The hospital provided those things.

But when I read information about bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, I don't think those categories fit me. I had a wild week during which many things happened, but I've recovered from that week and I've integrated it into the story of my life and my self-identity. I'm not nearly so fearful of the emotions and thoughts I had that week. I'm not the sort of person who has difficulty calming down. I don't exhibit manic highs and depressive lows.

I use the term "perceptual well" to describe the portion of the universe that I am able to perceive.

Astronomers tell me that the size of the Known Universe is approximately 14 trillion billion billion cubic light years. It is possible that the Known Universe is merely a small bubble of inflating space-time inside the grand scale of the Unknown Universe.

The size of my office cubicle is approximately 27 cubic meters. My perceptual well is such a tiny part of the Known Universe!

However, via media, I am able to learn about the extent and properties of the Known Universe. Via media, I read and hear stories about what is happening elsewhere on my planet. Media allow my perceptual well to expand beyond my own perceptions; however, as much media as I consume, I can only know a tiny amount of all that is transpiring each day in the Known Universe.

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I was wondering today ... if I ignored all the media I've consumed since President Bush's inauguration ... if my perceptual well were limited to my own unmediated perceptions ... whether I would be happy with George W. Bush's administration to date.

My financial situation has been great -- my income has expanded, my job is as secure as any job can be, I am enjoying spending my money on wonderful books, DVDs, restaurant meals, travel, toys, seminars, intoxicants ...

Although I am a gay male I have not suffered any discrimination of any sort during the Bush administration. It is true that I'm not allowed to get married to another man, but I don't have a man I wish to marry, and the issues of gay marriage and gay adoption do not touch my own life in any way right now. Besides, President Clinton was against gay marriage, so it isn't like President Bush was a step backward in that department.

I have been annoyed by the increased "security" crap I must endure in the Nation's Capitol, but I saw the Pentagon burning from my apartment window, and my own Post Office was closed due to anthrax contamination, so I understand why people would want to be more careful and less trusting.

The only reasons I'm unhappy with Republican rule are things I read about in the newspapers. And I generally pay attention to liberal media, and I'm biased against Republicans anyway. I feed my bias by attending to media that tell me how much the Republicans are fucking up. My mediated perceptual well is full of stories of injustice, arrogance, malice, and stupidity. I am told to feel outraged! How dare they do these things! Put a stop to this madness by supporting Democrats!

Hmmm. The truth of the matter is that my personal life is not significantly different as a result of the regime change here at home.

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When media tell me about the extent and the duration of the Known Universe ... that's kinda cool, but it doesn't change the particulars of my personal life. When media tell me about earthquakes, fires, rapes, or murders ... I might feel momentarily sad, but, hey, it didn't happen to me. Most of the outrages we discover via media do not affect us personally.

Media provoke artificial emotional reactions and artificial emotional identifications. And they do this to us on purpose. The editors of these media organizations know exactly what they are doing. They choose stories for their own purposes, to create a particular version of shared reality among their readers. One purpose is to addict the reader to that system of shared reality, to sell her a subscription. Another purpose might be to provide advertising demographics to businesses. Another purpose might be to promote a political agenda that will increase the wealth and power of the owners of the media organization.

We are rarely mindful of these purposes. We generally believe what we see and what we read, and our media consumption pattern creates, for each of us, our own Known Universe.

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Step away from this mediated perceptual well. For a day, for a week, for some arbitrary length of time. Step out of the bath, towel yourself dry, and allow yourself to perceive only what is within your personal grasp. The people you live and work with. The sounds of your home and office. The touch of the fabrics and furniture in your dwelling. The smells and tastes of the food you eat.

Especially after completing a weekend with the Body Electric School, the following paragraph I wrote on June 10, 2000 means a lot to me. I have changed a lot during the past three years, but in many ways I have become ever more like myself:

(The first interpretation is adapted from a previous essay I wrote on 6/20/02, I'll be adding more interpretations later.)

My Life: Five of Cups

Sorrow -- Melancholy -- Disappointment in Love

I have spent a lot of energy pursuing loving relationships, throughout my adult life. I have spent very little time being "single", much less "happily single". When I've been single I've done all I could to pursue being coupled. Until the summer of 2002.

The Five of Cups in my Tarot shows an angry figure, crying under rainclouds, apparently stung by a bee, having kicked over three cups in the foreground, while two cups remain standing in the background.

The three cups in the foreground represent, to me, the three times I've believed that a loving relationship would last forever unchanged -- my three broken hearts. The two cups in the background represent, to me, that I've got two more hearts in reserve. Who are they for? Perhaps one is for myself, never to be given to another. Perhaps the other is for my relationship with the world-at-large, through my spirituality. Perhaps I'll never again give so much of my heart to one other person. (Though I'm still good friends with all three of those special men.)

(Adapted from a previous essay I wrote on 6/5/02)

Although I believe that meditation can happen anywhere, while we are doing anything ... usually Buddhists (and others) associate meditation with sitting still, in a quiet place, away from activity ... doing nothing!

Some Buddhists like to "practice" this meditation every day, for 30 minutes or more. Monks do it all day, with a couple breaks for food and tea.

Many believe that this meditation forms the core of Buddhist spirituality.

Which means ... that the core of Buddhist spirituality is doing nothing, nothing at all, just sitting still. They couldn't be more wrong ...

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Sitting still is a fundamentally different approach from that of the Protestant work-ethic, in which we are given gifts by God so we can busy ourselves with making the world a better place ... or, at least with getting ourselves into Heaven.

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And there are awful problems facing humanity (and other species, and the global environment). Why should somebody spend his free time just sitting on a cushion, doing nothing, when he could be making the world a better place?

Well ... because sitting still does make the world a better place ... because it is often the frantic pursuit of fulfillment that causes so much pain and anguish and suffering ... because there will be pain and loss anyway, even if we try very hard to avoid it ... because every time we solve a problem, or fulfill a goal, we discover that we have more problems and goals ahead of us ...

Because life is lived in the now ... and efforts that focus on the future often end up sacrificing the present moment, when the present moment is the only moment that anybody can actually enjoy ...