Send this to my church in Houston:
I am Jesus the Christ and I say to you! I know you all have worked very hard to promote my Church, that you are righteous, that you do not tolerate the wicked, that you have kicked out those who falsely claim to be Christians, that you have suffered "persecution", that you are tired of those Democrats in Washington.
I know these things. But I also know you have lost your love for me. The intense passion you once held for me has faded. You have become a church of duty, not a church of lust.
How far you have fallen! Even you, my believers, must realize -- and repent.
Well, at least you hate those Democrats. I hate them too.
Continue fighting them. To the winners I shall award eternal life!
Send this to my Church in Manhattan:
I am the resurrection!
I know you suffer, and think yourselves poor. But you are truly rich. Do not judge your station by the size of your neighbor's apartment, but by your faith.
Do not be afraid. The government will claim you are linked to terrorists and will torture you for 10 days. Remain faithful until your death, and I shall award eternal life!
Send this to my Church in London:
I am the Son of God!
I know your works, your love, faith, service, and endurance. Yadda Yadda.
Yet I hold this against you, that you tolerate the woman Madonna, who calls herself a prophetess, who teaches and misleads my servants to play the harlot and to eat food sacrificed to idols.
I have given her time to repent, but she refuses to repent of her harlotry.
So I will cast her on a sickbed and plunge those who commit adultery with her into intense suffering unless they repent of her works.
I will also put her children to death. Thus shall all the churches come to know that I am the searcher of hearts and minds and that I will give each of you what your works deserve.
[This is not your friendly smiling Jesus who simply wants to be your best friend ... not that he ever was ... if people actually read the Bible ...]
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