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Genesis 2 -- The origins of the Weekend, Patriarchy, Monogamous Heterosexuality, and shame-free Nudism


Yes, it had taken God six days to create the universe, so on the seventh day God rested.

It seems to me the orthodox Jewish folk living in my neighborhood have it right, and Christian churches generally have it wrong -- Saturday is the seventh day of the week, so Saturday should be the day of rest and worship, not Sunday. I looked around the Internet to see why Christians generally worship on the wrong day, and it seems that Christians believe Jesus was resurrected on a Sunday, therefore they worship on Sundays. There are also arguments that so long as we rest and worship on one day each week, it doesn't really matter which day. Some even argue that since Jesus was considered "Lord of the Sabbath", that Jesus has the power to switch which day we worship. Um, OK.

But here I am only two chapters into the Bible, and I've found what seems to be a pretty major departure from scripture in Christianity: "God blessed the seventh day and made it holy." The seventh day, not the first. So if Jesus had the power to disobey this Godly order, and set a new precedent for us to follow, why couldn't he have done so for many other Old Testament laws? Isn't it possible that the God of the Old Testament belongs to the past, pre-Christian ways, and that all the Old Testament rules should be reexamined in light of the Gospels?

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Perhaps more important, this is the chapter in which the first woman was created. But not right away! The first human God created was a man. This is not a mere default masculine pronoun "man", God created a human male first, presumably the kind of male with cock, balls, nonfunctional nipples, a prostate gland, pubic hair, and 100 million new sperm each day. But we can't be sure about this. Perhaps the first human was sterile, gender neutral, and without any primary or secondary sexual characteristics, as he wouldn't need them or be able to use them in a fruitful way. Unless he masturbated.

If the first human was male, and God created this human in God's image, then it is logical to conclude that God is a man. I was brought up in the Catholic Church believing God was a man, although there have been more recent efforts to de-genderize God in respect of modern feminism.

Personally I like referring to my nonexistent God as either "she" or "Goddess", but I'm in the minority. I think the all-male hierarchy of the Catholic Church rests on this claim in Genesis 2 that men were created first, in God's image. That's what God said, women, so suck on it! Plus, Jesus was a man. And the Twelve Groupies were all men!

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God created the Garden of Eden somewhere in modern-day Iraq, apparently. He put Male Prime in charge of tending this Garden, telling him he could eat the fruit of any tree except for that one over there. I'm sure you've heard of that tree, the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Eat from that tree, and you will die, says God. We find out later that eating from the tree won't actually kill you, but, well, God said you will die. The footnotes explain that God didn't mean "you will die immediately," but "you will become mortal." I guess. But maybe God was just bluffing. Do what I say or I'll kill you! Up until this point, God had not said anything about whether humans were mortal or immortal, so the first mention of Death in the Bible is related to acquiring Forbidden Knowledge. I think this is meant as a lesson to y'all, not to ask so many questions of your religious leaders.

But why put this forbidden tree in the middle of the Garden of Eden if man wasn't supposed to eat from it? Why give us desires we aren't supposed to act upon under pain of death? Perhaps we'll find out.

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Man didn't like being alone, and none of the animals fulfilled his desire for companionship (apparently dogs didn't exist yet?). So God created woman to keep him company. In fact, wo-man was created from man, to be his "helper". Here the Bible explains that as man and woman were one flesh to begin with, this is why young men leave their families to hitch up with women and "become one body" which sounds a lot like mucho fucking to me ;-)

One man, one woman. This is where monogamous heterosexuality began. And we're still fighting about it today.

Oh, and at this point in the story, Male Prime and Female Prime were both naked, and unashamed of their nudity. So, the first humans were not only vegetarians, but also nudists! And they fucked a lot.


[Previous entry: "Genesis 1 -- God wanted us to be Vegetarians, and we wanted Her to be our soul mate"] [TOC] [Next entry: "Genesis 3 -- wherein it turns out nudity is Evil"]

 

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