"It's amazing how much 'mature wisdom' resembles being too tired." --Robert Heinlein
 

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why looking for a boyfriend doesn't always work so well


(I wrote this on January 24, 2004)

If you are busy looking for a boyfriend, you aren't living your own life, you aren't maximizing your own opportunities for fun, you are acting as though you yourself aren't capable of having a life without somebody else to hold your hand. You are asking somebody to join your life, but you don't even have a life, all you have is a search algorithm.

If you are looking for a boyfriend, among all the strangers in your city, you create a bunch of judgmental standards to filter through the innumerable possibilities. This turns the search for companionship into a bureaucratic process, like sifting through college applications. As you meet each person, from the moment you meet him, you are judging him, to see whether he can fill your imaginary boyfriend role.

If you are not looking ... if you are focused on maximizing your own opportunities for fun, you create an enjoyable life for yourself. This is attractive to other people, other people will want to join you, because you are fun to hang out with. And then, while you're having fun, you'll realize that one of your buddies is especially attractive, especially compatible, somebody you'd like to get to know better, somebody you think of first. Automatically.


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