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Intimacy while letting go


(I wrote this on February 6, 2003)

Some people refuse to be intimate while letting go, the very idea is hateful or depressing to them, going against all they've been taught to believe and all they've experienced thus far.

I'm going to presume that "letting go" means "I'm prepared to accept that I may never see you again." And really, we never know whether we'll see somebody again. We often comfort ourselves with a belief in stability, but we have no idea what tomorrow will bring. People die, people move away, people decide to fill their lives with other pursuits, people grow apart unintentionally. And sometimes people react angrily to something we've done and leave us.

I'm going to presume that "intimate" means holding nothing back, neither physically nor emotionally. Intimacy is the natural expression of togetherness. Intimacy does not necessarily mean having sex, or telling each other our entire life's stories ... but it does mean allowing ourselves to do those things when it makes sense. No running away, no changing the subject, no obsessions with past, future, or unavailable things ... just being-present for each other, touching and communicating.

The years I've spent outside of the monogamy box -- since August 1998 -- have been all about learning to appreciate people without possessing them. This has been a difficult road at times, but it has also been a road of plenty, because there are so many people to appreciate once we let go of the desire to possess them.

I believe I can be intimate while letting go. In fact, I believe it is one of the most joyous activities that mature polyamory brings into our lives -- learning that opening ourselves to (potentially) transient people is a pleasure, because we are actually opening ourselves to the pleasures of the present moment.

When you are worrying about losing that present moment, you are no longer enjoying it. When you are fantasizing about keeping that present moment, you are no longer enjoying it.


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