The real source of anger about boyfriends
(Adapted from an essay I first posted on 10/6/02)
I had written a very long entry about this, and my computer froze before I posted it.
Damn. It was very long, well reasoned, with plenty of history and bit-by-bit development. Better than what follows below.
To summarize ... the real source of my anger about boyfriends is that for many many years I've tried too hard to have one (or more!).
I've kept trying to stuff fellas into the boyfriend role before knowing if they'd be any good at it. I've thought I could not be a happy person without a boyfriend, so I subordinated my personal needs to the requirement of having and keeping a boyfriend.
Then, during the poly years with Moose, I went even further, and subordinated my personal needs to the requirement of having and keeping multiple boyfriends.
I'm not going to do this anymore!
I've been focusing on taking care of my own needs, starting with the ground floor and working my way up.
First, I've been getting enough sleep -- which is why I haven't needed to use my alarm clock even once in several months.
Second, I've been getting enough exercise -- which is why my blood pressure, resting pulse rate, and weight are all healthy ... and which is why people think I look as many as 10 years younger than my age ... and which is why enough people think I'm sexy that the main limitations on my sex life are the limitations I put there myself.
Third, I've put my career on auto-pilot -- I'm making more than enough money, so I'm just gonna go with the flow at the office, up to 40 hours per week, and not think about work when I'm not at work ;-)
Fourth, I'm investing time into my spiritual practice -- meditating, reading about Buddhism and other religions, attending worship services. This investment is paying off in a lot of ways, unpredictable ways! My life and personality are changing in front of my eyes.
Fifth, I'm having fun -- I invite my friends and family to do fun things with me, I don't spend time with people just because they are on the schedule anymore, and I'm trying out new and exciting things, like taking trips to meet LiveJournal buddies or to visit places like NYC all by myself, or going to nudist and S&M parties ... then there are all the Buffy & 24 episodes I've been catching up on!
And that's all. And that's enough. More than enough!
And, if I'm to have a "boyfriend" in the future, he is going to be a person who is also doing the things that I like to do. He's going to be somebody who takes care of his body by getting enough sleep and exercise. He isn't going to be a workaholic (or a volunteeraholic, or a chemical addict either). He's going to have a spiritual practice that feeds him and calms him and gives meaning to his life. And, he's going to have fun with me :-)
The search for a boyfriend, or the keeping of a boyfriend, will not be more important than living my life in healthy, spiritual, and fun ways. If we find each other, we'll find each other doing much the same things that we are doing now.
If we don't find each other, that's OK too, because I'll be taking care of myself and having fun and playing with a variety of activity friends, some of whom will be snuggly/sexual partners, most of whom will not.
There is no need for me to be angry at other people anymore, for "failing" to fit the parameters of my life. I'm not going to keep trying to squish square pegs into my round holes. I know what I like, I know what I want, and if you fit that cool, if you don't, cool.
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