|
Sexual Envy and Jealousy, Tempting Me to Walk a Different Path
Sometimes it bugs me that friends of mine are getting some more often than I am. Of course, if I'm getting some more often than they are, I don't mind at all ;-) I definitely have a competitive streak about such things. Monkey see, monkey want more than other monkey. Even if monkey was avoiding it on purpose, now he wants it because somebody else has it. Mine! This was certainly a problem during my last polyamorous relationship, because my primary boyfriend wanted and got a lot more than I did, so much that I eventually felt squeezed out of the front seat. At least, that's how I felt. Perhaps I didn't like sharing that front seat as much as the others did. The envy and jealousy probably bother me most when certain people I've offered to sleep with (or even just meet in person) are sleeping with other people after either turning me down or politely ignoring my own request. But, of course, if I do that to somebody else, I don't mind at all ;-) This is part of being who I am, to occasionally feel envy and jealousy about sex, while living a life that has contained some wild sexual adventures of my own. It's just that many of those adventures happened during a past when I was willing to go to bars, get intoxicated, and pick up strangers, or, go online, get intoxicated, and pick up strangers. I'm just not interested in picking up strangers for instant sex when I'm sober. And how many of those people are still part of my life, still having sex with me on a regular basis? None. One problem I had with those adventures is that very few of those people wanted to repeat them with me! How strange, to have a wonderful time, and then to ignore the person who helped you to have it. ----- Lately I've just been busy doing other things, finding happiness other ways :-) But, when I see my friends cavorting happily, part of me worries that even if I wanted to, I couldn't make sex fall from the sky like they do. But, then I'd be having sex with strangers merely to puff up my self-esteem. Which is what a lot of single people do, as well as many people in open relationships. Part of the envy and jealousy I feel is a worry that I'm not good enough to compete. And, a lot of what people get from the afterglow of sex is that feeling of attractiveness, that somebody wants what I've got, that I can have fun giving it to them, and then reliving the memories, and then telling stories to others about what happened, making them envious or jealous, feeling competitive ;-) Also, lately I've made a decision in my life that I'm going to enjoy relationships with a variety of people regardless of whether they lead to sex. What I'm discovering is that most relationships do not lead to sex, even when I'd like them to. Do I really want sex to be the trump card again? Nope. When I have sex, I want it to be part of a human relationship, not something that is grabbed and then thrown away. And I want human relationships that are based on mutual love regardless of whether sex is involved. Still, I do feel envy when others do grab it, especially when I've offered it to them and have been turned away or ignored. They aren't looking for what I'm looking for, though, or they might've said "yes" to me. They are treating sex as a discrete act with throwaway actors. Sure, fun, but ... not what I'm looking for. I've been there, done that, and would rather follow my own path, wherever it leads.
[Previous entry: "Reason, Causality, and Totalizing"] [TOC] [Next entry: "Dissipating Self-Images"]
|