To Archive, or Not To Archive
What I really mean is this: Do I resurrect the five years of online content I wrote in the past, by posting them online again behind insufficiently explanatory links? Five years of nearly daily writing. It is a lot to consume. It gets indexed by Google and people find it while looking for ... nearly anything.
Much of that content was intensely personal, reflecting a deep internal world that very few people have ever shared with me in real life. I don't know how it affected readers. It was not written for them. I generally wasn't interested in discussing it, especially with strangers. I'd often tell my friends that it was not required for them to read it. Scores of people came back regularly, though, to keep up with my life.
Much of that content was pictorial in an exhibitionist way.
I had two significant open relationships during those five years with men who regularly read what I had to say, but sometimes they would read how I felt about them before I could tell them personally. I'm still not sure whether that was a good thing. Did the online Diary promote honesty? Was it an instrument of passive aggression? Is too much honesty a bad thing? I think I'd rather my boyfriends didn't read it. But if they know about it, why should they resist their curiosity? If anybody on the planet can read it, why not those I care about?
I know people who will tell me how they feel about their boyfriends before telling their boyfriends. I know people who will debate with me whether to break up with their boyfriends while keeping their boyfriends totally in the dark about their doubts. Even my mother did this with me about my father. Some people plan their breakups for months ahead of time. I find that spooky, myself.
But, people doubt whether their relationships should continue, and don't always want to raise every little doubt with the spouse.
Should these doubts be shared with our partners? I can't prescribe a solution for everybody. It depends.
During my long term relationships I'd have many negative reactions to things my boyfriends did, said, or felt. Many times I bit my tongue, practicing acceptance. I don't like to be critical of my loved ones. I would rather allow them to make their own decisions. I try to be tactful about criticism, I'd rather praise things I like than pick on things I don't like. I don't believe that there is one way to live and that I'm the possessor of that way. You can try things your way!
I think it is important to give a lover plenty of room if you want to keep him around. One of the paradoxes of life. Let people be who they need to be, not who you want them to be, if you want to keep them close. It doesn't always work ...
I think I want to use those archives as a personal resource now, not as a public one. I can read them and reflect upon my past and review what I've learned. I can incorporate some of the writings into future essays, perhaps some of them directed at print publication. But I think a raw personal Diary isn't meant for strangers. Not while I'm still living. It was an interesting project during those five years, and it led me into some interesting situations. I've learned a lot, grown a lot, experienced a lot. I'm not the same person I was when KWC and I broke up ... I'm not even the same person I was when Moose and I broke up.
I'm not as interested in being on display anymore unless you are right here in front of me, where I can touch you and see your reactions.
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